Grow Up, Green Party

I make a lot of jokes about Dr. Jill Stein, but I think she’s a good person. It’s just sad that she’s truly not a viable candidate and she’s in the mix. As it stands, she’ll only be on the ballot in 23 states (some of which are going to have to be write in), and the campaign admits that though they’re petitioning to be on others, it is not likely she’ll be in all 50. If that party can’t get their shit together to be represented in all 50 states (like the Libertarian Party has), then they really have no business pushing a candidate out there, in my opinion. Get organized more than a year before the election and make this stuff happen, like a group that is serious about showing that they have enough support from the people of the USA to lead this country.

You can’t have a serious party in the USA, and only pop up every 4 years, and expect to grow. Get some mayors, house members, and senators in the mix.

Until then, quit wasting our time.

Laundromat Memories

When I was 10 we didn’t have a washing machine or dryer.

We would actually wash our clothes in the bathtub, and then wring them out. Depending on the time of year the clothes line really wasn’t an option, so my sister and I would take trash bags full of wet clothes to the laundromat and bring them there to dry.

It was always hot and nasty in that place.

Once there was a big fat guy wearing a short sleeve white shirt that was glistening with sweat. He was fanning his face with a Sunset magazine and shouted out, “It’s a goddamn sweat-box in here!”

There was a radio that played through a couple spider-web covered speakers on the corners of the ceiling. The sound mix was half static, half AM Gold. Neil Diamond and his ilk singing through the electric crackles.

There was a cast of unusual regulars that would come in each weekend. A big lady who wore a yellow and orange sun dress and played solitaire over and over again on the table while her clothes spun around. “I don’t have a 6 of clubs, so I use THIS!” she told me as she showed me a coupon for a Wendy’s hamburger.

Ron came in every Saturday. I knew his name was Ron, not because I ever spoke to him, because I was scared of him, but the owner that hung out at the place would say, “That Ron’s a big burnout. I don’t know what’s wrong with him!” every time he left.

Ron would come in without any laundry.

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2016 GREEN PARTY CONVENTION HIGHLIGHTS

DC: Green Party Presidential Nominee Jill Stein Makes Announcement On 2016 Race

Jm J Bullock celebrity impersonator opens with an anti Vax seminar.

Susan Powter leads drum circle.

Julia Sweeney speech.

Fundraising raffle to win lunch with Merv Griffin, Jr.

Free Homeopathic Zika Pill Giveaway

That dude from Spin Doctors.

Someone from Sacramento Natural Foods Co-Op accepts VP Nomination.

Fellow former city Council person who served with Dr. Jill Stein recalls how she once brought napkins to a potluck.

Ralph Nader asks if anyone has a phone charger for his Jitterbug flip phone, “cause that rack at the gas station only had iPhone and mini USB” and calls for charger reform to be on the Green Party Platform.

Bernie Sanders pleads with crowd to “Stop this shit, for the love of God!”

Anson Williams sings “We shall overcome”

That black guy in the audience introduces Dr. Jill Stein

Dr. Jill Stein accepts nomination via messenger owl

Free popsicle stick and yarn “God’s Eyes” under everyone’s chair as a parting gift.

Worms

Last night I cooked a gourmet steak dinner that included a variety of exotic sauteed mushrooms. Some of the shrooms were these long skinny things about the width of a headphone cord.

Linda’s dad was eating with us and he was picking them off of his steak, then proceedd to eat the steak. I told him they were mushrooms and he replied, “Oh, I thought they were worms”.

I love that he was willing to pull “worms” off a steak before he ate it, and didn’t do the natural thing, and flip his plate into the air screaming, “WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SERVING ME WORMS?!?!?!?

An Excerpt From Jill Stein’s New Memoir

(An Excerpt from Dr. Jill Stein’s upcoming memoir “Apart Together In Solitude”)

“In a way, I’ve been preparing to be President for a long time. A longer time than some, but a shorter time than others. When 539 total votes showed that the people of Lexington wanted me to represent them with 5 other people as a Town Meeting Representative, I knew I had my finger on the pulse of America. Many people think my time in my only elected office was not sufficient experience to control the world’s largest economy and military, but I beg to differ. Some of my trials and problems I had to work through really showed me what it takes to be a leader. In fact, some of my experiences helped me get a role as a political consultant for Gilmore Girls. Remember that time Taylor Dose wouldn’t let Jackson have a greenhouse so close to his fence line because of the Stars Hollow building regulations? That’s the type of realer than real shit I had to deal with every day.

After my tenure as Town Meeting Representative was over, I decided to ride the wave and run for Governor of Massachusetts. After months of knocking on doors and handing out friendship bracelets at the local Natural Foods Co-Op, I showed the people of my state that I was ready to lead. I received 1.4% of the vote, so I actually got less support than the margin of error, but it was a sign that I had to change my approach and find a way to actully get people to vote for me in ways that probably weren’t accidental.

2 years later, I had my first taste of running for President. It was a hard fought campaign, but I received 0.36% of the popular vote, which FoxNews called “a % only slightly higher than the BAC% for a DUI). After a homeopathic aura reading given to me by Yogi Sequoia, he said that I clearly had a mandate from the spirits of yesterday, so I knew I couldn’t stop.

I won’t stop trying until someday America realizes that I’m the right choice to run this country.

Oligarchy, neoliberalism, TPP, homeopathy, patchouli, and we need to have a hemp based economy. Geode crystal drum circle and GMO’s are bad”

The Luckiest Man In The World

A few years before my dad died from Alzheimer’s Disease, he was living with us, and we were on the porch watching the sun set and talking about the past. He said his life was pretty good. I tried to discuss some of the bad things that had happened and he honestly couldn’t remember them.

I thought he was the luckiest man in the world

Brew Bike Mania

Based on the success of the Sacramento Brew Bike, I’m starting several new bike based attractions to enjoy Midtown

SACRAMENTO BLOW BIKE: You and your friends will each get a pile of high grade cocaine, with a souveiner mirror and razor blade.
(WARNING: The last half of this ride may reach speeds of up to 80MPH)

MIDTOWN OPIUM RICKSHAW: An actual Chinese person will carry you around town while you smoke some of the best opium ever made. Why settle for the dark solitude of an opium den when you can turn to mush in a fun racially insensitive human powered wagon?

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Suicide Squad Is A Garbage Fire (Spoilers)

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So Suicide Squad is a piece of garbage. It’s a horrible movie with a decent cast that’s given horrible things to do and say. There’s lots of potential for a Dirty Dozen style movie featuring super villains, but it just doesn’t click here. It’s an uninspired and often misogynistic mess.

Viola Davis plays Amanda Waller, a tough cold blooded agent of some sort who puts together a team of bad people to take care of bad things. But it turns out the bad things are a result of her own creation. She’s enslaved a witch that thousands of years old and things get out of hand so she gets psychopaths to take care of it, instead of The Flash or Batman, because, well…I don’t fucking know.

Will Smith is good as Deadshot, a dude who is the world’s greatest marksman, and if the whole movie was about him and his story, it’d actually be pretty good. Other characters like Croc (a human Crocodile), and El Diablo (an East LA Gangbanger with full body tats and the ability to control fire) are really good, but that’s about where the fun stops.

One of the biggest problems of the movie is the distracting storyline with The Joker and Harley Quinn (played by Jared Leto and Margot Robbie, respectively). Joker has about 5 minutes of actual screen time in this film, so all of the hype about Leto’s performance is a huge letdown. He has about 8 lines and looks kind of cool, but there’s really nothing to get excited about. But Harley? Ugh…

Robbie looks and sounds great as Harley, but the whole dynamic of Harley and Joker is just depressing and sick to be played out with real actors. She’s a psychologist who becomes infatuated with The Joker, helps him escape, and he rewards her by torturing her with shock treatment. For some unexplained reason, she becomes a superhuman fighting machine and despite the abuse, she loves The Joker. When he’s not around, she prances around in underwear and a wet T-Shirt and the other characters stare at her ass.

It’s sad that one of the bigger laughs comes from Batman punching her in the face during a flashback scene. Add that to Deadshot calling Waller a bitch and a ho, and it’s just gross as fuck.

The climax of this film is nearly identical to the Ghostbusters orignal film and remake. The witch I mentioned earlier, The Enchantress, stands below a magic swirling column of energy that stretches up to the sky that will destroy the world in some sort of magic way.

Suicide Squad is just a really really really dumb movie and I hate that I feel dumb that I was so excited to see it.

Jason Bourne Has Two Good Car Chases

jason-bourne-conclusion

I’m not a huge fan of the Bourne movies, so maybe I’m not the best guy to be reviewing this, but Jason Bourne was a disappointing space holder of a movie. There’s a great cycle vs. car chase at the beginning of the film, and a tremendously good chase between a Dodge Charger and a SWAT van in downtown Las Vegas that even ends up in a casino, but the rest is just OK.

 

Jason Bourne simply isn’t a very interesting character. He’s given a laptop with some shit about his dad on it that I can never truly get behind. Then he’s pretty much told by people where to go, and he beats people up. That’s the whole movie. I just felt like I wasted time even watching it. You might, too. Whatever, who cares?