A car is something to be proud of. It’s not only something to get you from place to place, but something that should make you proud to drive it. The style, color, and manufacturer all play a role, but name itself is just as important. Since automobiles were invented, names like “Silver Ghost”, “Corvette”, “Mustang”, “Dart”, “Galaxie” and others have helped paint the picture of a car’s magnificence. This article is NOT about those cars. So without further adieu, it’s time to throw open the garage door and give the proper shame to the WORST CAR NAMES OF ALL TIME!

#10 THE FORD ASPIRE The car that wishes it was something else! I suppose it’s aptly named, as this poor little teardrop falls somewhere between an AMC Pacer and a Geo Metro in coolness!

#9 THE DAIHATSU CHARADE The company name is lame enough, but to chose a name for this model that means something that’s pretending to be something else, is just sad. What was the point? Brad Pitt couldn’t get laid in this flaccid excuse for a vehicle. Well, I’m sure there are folks that would totally go for it with Pitt in here, but the leg room is horrible, and that would just be cheap. Plus, I doubt Angelina would be pretty upset if he was boning random fans in a Daihatsu Charade. But word has it, he gets one freebie a year, so who really knows for sure?

#8 THE CHEVY CITATION What a great idea to name a car after a speeding ticket! I have a theory that nobody ever willingly bought this car, and its only drivers were people who lost bets, or it was the only thing left at the rental lot when the red eye flight came in. The Citation is to cars, as Olestra Potato Chips are to pants shitting. If you can figure that out, you probably drive a Citation.

#7 THE OLDSMOBILE ACHIEVA If you can achieve a boner, you probably are too young to have ever owned this  car.

#6 THE CHRYSLER K-CAR Sure, it was a name of a platform for a family of cars, but good Lord, what a horrible name. K isn’t even in the top 15 coolest letters in the alphabet!

#5 THE DODGE CORONET At least the car looks pretty awesome, but why name it Coronet? You either think it’s a small horn, or a brand of toilet paper!

#4 THE VOLKSWAGEN TIGUAN Literally this name was chosen because some marketing genius thought mixing “Tiger” and “Iguana” into one name was a great idea. Why not just go with “VW TIGER”  as a replacement for the Golf? That way you can cash in on Tiger Woods’ fame for free.

#3 THE KIA RIO Sounds awfully too close to Dia-rhea! Though aside from the ill-fated “Ford Union Of The Snake”, it’s the only other car named after a Duran Duran song.

#2 THE FORD EDSEL Famous Nazi supporter and Anti-Semite Henry Ford already made a mistake by naming his son “Edsel”, so why on earth did the folks up top think using this name would sell cars? They lost millions on this disastrous model.

#1 RENAULT LE CAR A car who’s name literally means “The Car”…were they even trying?

Coming up…the COOLEST CAR NAMES OF ALL TIME!

Robert Berry
rberry@retrocrus.com