December 24th, 2009 
rberry 
As much as my instincts tell me to hate this movie, the trailer makes it look pretty good. Jackie Chan is certainly a great choice for the new “Miyagi”, and I suppose having an actual kid instead of a 30 year old play the title role is good! Though, I’m pretty sure Karate is a Japanese thing, so setting this in China is inspired, but weird.
Listen to my pal Keith Lowell Jensen’s Comedy CD FOR FREE
As as special holiday treat, we’re proud to announce that through special arrangement with lala.com, Keith Lowell Jensen’s comedy CD “To The Moon” can be streamed for free! Yep, you can listen to separate tracks or the whole damn thing! Plus you can buy the CD through the site. Unlike most free comedy CDs (and comedy CDs in general for that matter) it’s actually pretty damn funny. CLICK HERE TO ENJOY THE MAGIC!
Kim Kardashian’s Carl’s Jr. Commercial
Jeepers! I haven’t been this turned on by a fast food commercial since McDonald’s took the Fry Guys off the air! CLICK HERE to watch it!
Avatar Reviewed
Avatar isn’t the best movie of the year, and it’s far from the best thing James Cameron has ever done. But it’s an exciting fun BIG movie that may be the best 3D movie experience of all time. With a story that smushes Dances With Wolves and Aliens together, there’s nothing particularly original here, but what you have is akin to Jimi Hendrix covering Beatles songs. The elements are all familiar, but they are executed with such precision and skill that it’s simply a great theater event. Avatar is the kind of movie that you can’t wait for DVD. Avatar is the kind of movie that you’ll want to experience on a giant screen. And as disgusting as it is for me to say it, this $300 million monstrosity is exactly the kind of film that Hollywood needs to save it’s ass from a future of $1 Redbox DVD rental kiosks.
I was a bit leery of the early looks at this movie. We’ve seen underdog primitive people fighting off superior forces time and time again from Ewoks vs. Stormtroopers to Japanese villagers fighting off bad guys with the help of 7 Samaurai. There was nothing about the story suggested in the previews that made me want to see this movie. And the 15 foot tall Smurf Aliens looked too silly for me to get very excited about. But the guy who brought us Aliens, Terminator 1 and 2, and Titanic had certainly earned enough credit for me to give him the benefit of the doubt. After watching it, I’m impressed.
I have not enjoyed 3D movies of late. As a 4-eyed glasses wearing geek, the experience of wearing 2 sets of shades to watch a movie is not a pleasant one. When I saw Fly Me to The Moon with my kids on IMAX, the double images were so nauseating I had to leave the theater. The 3D experience of Avatar was beautiful and seamless. I never once felt the need to take the glasses off, and didn’t feel I was watching anything less than a crystal clear picture. Avatar is a 3D movie that doesn’t rely on 3D gimmickry to tell the story. While the 3D is impressive beyond anything I’ve seen before, it’s completely organic and immersive to the film. Above all, it makes the motion capture CGI characters so much more real than the 2D version would be.
Peter Jackson’s WETA effects crew is behind the magic here and it’s gorgeous. If you thought Gollum and the various beasts in the Lord of Rings movies looked great, you’ll be impressed at the texture, depth, and realism of these creations. The eyeballs have a roundness, dimension and LIFE to them that I’ve never seen before. And the blending of “real” people and the CGI is as seamless as it gets. It’s a bit goofy to look at for about 5 minutes when you first see the Na’Vi alien bodies floating in tanks and moving around at the film’s beginning, but I had no problem buying into the universe and believing what I was watching shortly after that.
The eye candy is gorgeous. There’s a scene where the lead character (a Marine named Jake Sully who remotely “becomes” a host alien body) is walking around with the female lead Neytri in the gorgeous Pandora planet’s forest. Luminescient footprints are left behind, plants that make sounds and mushrooms that light up when you touch them, and beautiful sights abound. The 3D makes it as magical for the audience to experience for the first time as it must be for Jake. It reminded me of when the GOlden Ticket holders initially experience the candy garden in Wonka’s chocolate factory, only turned up 100%.
The acting is first rate, too. Sam Worthington does a great job in “both” of his roles as human and Na’Vi Jake. Sigourney Weaver is still a commanding presence as a botanist who also becomes a Na’Vi alien. Star Trek’s Zoe Saldana in a full motion capture performance is very intriguing as the Na’Vi princess. A supporting “evil corporate dude” role by Giovanni Ribisi is unlike any performance he’s given so far, and Stephen Lang, who was so fantastic as Ike Clanton in Tombstone gives a brilliant performance as Colonel Quaritch, the battle scarred badass Marine who is just itching for war.
Avatar isn’t a particularly deep movie, and it doesn’t have anything to say that you haven’t seen in other movies before (the climactic fight seems lifted straight out of a previous Cameron film), but it’s likely one of the best moviegoing experiences you’ll ever have.
Robert Berry original Darth Vader watercolor for sale!
Funny how art can work out. I painted this as a Christmas present for someone last year, but the end result was nothing like I had planned. I painted the gray areas of Vader first, and then added the heart and eyes with a super thick and wet red watercolor. Instead of letting it lay flat, I stupidly held it up and the paint dripped down, creating the eerie effect. I’m selling it for $20 if you’re interested. Just email me if you’d like it as a special present for someone you hate.
GIANT MOON MONSTER
Here’s one of the great “too good to be true” ads of comic book history. The LIFE SIZE GIANT MOON MONSTER with 3 monster masks was available for an unheard of $1.25, plus you got membership in the prestigious Monster Fan Club. What kid wouldn’t want a “Horrifying” and “Exciting” and “Thrilling!” Monster?
So what did you actually get? As you’d expect, it was a 6 foot tall poster (with comic ad whore Jack Davis’ art, of course) and the 3 Monster Masks were actually just sheets of paper with pictures of masks on them, apparently for you to cut off and glue to your skin!
1977 Spalding Ad with Rick Barry and Dr. J
I was never much of a basketball kid growing up, but I thought this comic book ad from the late ’70s (with Mad Magazine’s Jack Davis handling the art chores) was fun. How cool would it be to shoot some hoops with your pals and have two of the greatest players of the era just show up and give you some tips while plugging their endorsed balls? Did Rick and Julius just randomly show up, or were they a part of some crazy labor intensive marketing approach where they blanket the nation’s playground with these demonstrations. This particular visit was already a waste of time, as the kids were already playing with a Spalding ball, so the net profits the company gets from this is ZERO!
The opening panel looks rather ominous, as if one of the kids owe them some money. They actually resemble Jules and Vincent from Pulp Fiction.
What also troubles me is that the kids need a lot more help with Math than their hoop skills, because that one stupid kid says Barry’s shot is “A 30-Footer” when he’s just lobbing one in from the side of the key. Hell…I could make that shot and the only endorsed ball I have is a superball from a vending machine with my initials on it!
ORBITZ Soda
Long before ORBITZ was a travel company with sporty pop up ads, it was a soda the likes of which the world has never seen, and likely will ever see again.
First appearing it the early 90s and made by the company Clearly Canadian, ORBITZ amazed shoppers with its bizarre gelatinous balls just suspended in mid-juice. No matter how much you shook the bottle, the balls would just stay there and NOT sink. As a testament to their power, I recently purchased a case of these on eBay, that’s at least 10 years old, and as you can see from the picture above, those balls are still doing just fine.
Yes, ORBITZ is an amazing drink to look at. Some folks have equated it to a lava lamp in a bottle. But drinking the stuff is another story all together. The best way to describe the taste is flat Sprite with globs of snot floating in it. Swallowing those blobs of goo is every bit as horrifying as you’d think it’d be.
There’s a website called BEVNET that has some pretty hilarious reviews of the 5 different flavors, that were apparently still available in some areas as late as 1998.
On Vanilla Orange, they write, “One of the worst tasting beverages that we have ever had. It is really impossible to enjoy a beverage that has little balls floating in it. Orange Vanilla flavored Orbitz does not really have a defined taste. They seem to be banking on its looks to get people to buy it. Stay away from this beverage.”
Regarding Raspberry Citrus, they write, “It tastes like water that came out of a vase used for flowers….the balls make it even worse.”
On Blueberry Melon Strawberry, “This is the worst tasting drink with balls in it I’ve had since that time I was tea-bagged in college!”
Who knows what Clearly Canadian was thinking, but few people enjoyed this concoction beyond the first taste. The unopened bottles have found new life as a fun shelf ornament or fun retro-collectible. A decade later, and the balls still swirl around and float.
Its a shining example of American marketing in action. People will buy just about anything, if it looks cool enough.
I only vaguely remember how bad this stuff tasted. But how could something so magically wonderful to look at taste THAT bad? Its too bad that I only have a 10 year old bottle of the stuff, because nobody would want to drink it now.
Or would they?
I decided to use the “everything tastes good with gin” philosophy that has brought me so far in life. Sure, ORBITZ tastes sickeningly sweet and flat, even when brand new, so perhaps that life giving nectar of gin would spice it up! Ladies and gentleman, I proceeded to make perhaps the only ORBITZ MARTINI this millennium has ever seen!
After giving the martini a vigorous shake, I was impressed that the yellow blobs o’ mystery goo remained intact, however the added element of the gin molecule destroyed the viscosity and they all sat at the bottom of the glass. It looked like some bizarre salmon roe martini. Needless to say, I tried a sip, and it tasted like crap.
Perhaps some fun was still to be had with the li’l balls, however. Using a tea strainer I dumped it into the glass and got them separated.
They were so beautiful, just sitting there. It was as if I was holding the essence of life itself in my palm. Each little globule was calling for me. Beckoning me to eat them. “Ro-bert….Robert eat us and you’ll be KING OF THE WORLD!”
I could resist no longer and I put them in my mouth. Each gelatinous blob busting in my teeth like some twisted boil full of sugary pus. Needless to say, I had to spit the entire mess out immediately.
Of course, there was only one way to wash the taste of this horrible concoction out of my mouth. And since I couldn’t find any Crystal Pepsi, I settled for Old Faithful.
So I’ve got a 12 pack of this stuff, and I want to share the love! If you’re interested in a bottle make me an offer! Cash, DVD swap, or naked pictures of your mom knitting (weird fetish of mine, sorry).
In the meantime, if you’d like a wonderful special Wallpaper Image of ORBITZ balls in my palm surrounded by harmonious nature, just click the thumbnail image above!
-Robert Berry
rberry@retrocrush.com
My Grandpa’s Open Letter to Rush Limbaugh (1993)
I’ve always had a special connection to my Grandfather Robert A Berry. I’m named after him and he was always a super cool guy. He passed away in late 1996 and my Grandmother Patricia followed him earlier this year. Going through some of her old things I found this wonderful letter her wrote to the local paper about Rush Limbaugh. The handwriting is a bit rough to read on the web, so I’ll retype it here…
To the editor of the Post
Re: Rush Limbaugh aka Brave Rush the Stout
Nine Points to Ponder
1. Since Brave Rush claims to be using only half his brain, does that make him a self-admitted half wit?
2. Would you buy a used car from Brave Rush?
3. Does Brave Rush remind you of the village bully who can dish it out but can’t take it?
4. Are Brave Rush and G “Fiorello” Liddy headed for a showdown over the noon radio time slot?
5. Would Brave Rush’s book have been better titled “The Way Things Used To Be”?
6. Will Brave Rush make it to the demagogue’s Hall of Fame or will he and his movement collapse of their own weight?
7. Have some of our better department stores designated their diaper changing area as The Rush Room?
8. If Brave Rush’s talent is “on loan from God” did God short change him?
9. Would Brave Rush and his loyal brand of brain dead dittoheads be well advised to lighten up?
Sincerely,
Robert Berry
Newport, KY
Only a couple of groaners in there, but actually some pretty sharp stuff. I’m happy to learn that my Grandpa was a lot more liberal than I gave him credit for! I have some more great stuff of his to share in the weeks to come, including a single he recorded under the name Sanddune Sanders called “Drop Dead You Meathead!”
Creepy Old SAAB ad
I was looking through some old ads from a 1980 magazine to put on retroCRUSH and at first glance, this SAAB ad just looked like any other boring car ad from the time, until I took a look a closer look at the driver.
Holy crap! Is that Michael Myers behind the wheel? Why on earth did they put a mask on the driver? Maybe they airbrushed the face this way to avoid paying a modeling fee? Any ideas, ad men?
F.Lee Bailey Loves Smirnoff
Ah, 1980 was a cool time. Gotta love this vintage Smirnoff ad featuring legendary lawyer F.Lee Baily getting sauced. I don’t know if the drunk lawyer image is necessarily the best one for clients, but he did help O.J Simpson off the hook, so maybe there’s some advantages to the booze approach.
Family Guy Does Lame Star Wars Parody Again
This is so horribly shitty and unfunny I can’t believe it. Of course, that’s about every episode of Family Guy. The Robot Chicken guys already did this stuff way better, why are they even bothering? Oh yeah, it’s because Star Wars fans will buy it sight unseen and making lame Star Wars jokes is like shooting fish in a barrel. LOL There’s a scene where Peter punches his wife in the face, too!
Count Dante — The Deadliest Man Alive
Next to superheroes fighting crimes with Hostess products, my all time favorite comic book ad featured the mysterious Count Dante who was the “Deadliest Man Alive” and looked like Angel from The Rockford Files. A truly bad-ass picture with hot pink accents, The Black Dragon Fighting Society seemed like an incredible group of warriors to me at the time. His Wikipedia article reveals amazing things including wars with rival dojos and an alleged connection to a $4 million bank robbery. It also blew my mind to learn that Martin Kove, who played the Cobra Kai Dojo Leader Kreese in The Karate Kid attended Dante’s Dojo in the ’70s. How cool is that? I can also credit Count Dante for helping me meet Wil Wheaton. I was wearing a homemade X-Entertainment.com shirt to the 1992 San Diego Comic Convention and he stopped to talk to me about it. Count Dante may not have been the deadliest man alive, but he sure is the friendmakeringest man that’s dead.
Introducing retroCRUSH Auctions
We’re gonna start putting a ton of cool things from the private retroCRUSH collection up for bid on eBay for your cool holiday shopping needs. Just CLICK HERE to view our latest stuff. The picture above shows a handful of what we’ve already got up.