Worms

Last night I cooked a gourmet steak dinner that included a variety of exotic sauteed mushrooms. Some of the shrooms were these long skinny things about the width of a headphone cord.

Linda’s dad was eating with us and he was picking them off of his steak, then proceedd to eat the steak. I told him they were mushrooms and he replied, “Oh, I thought they were worms”.

I love that he was willing to pull “worms” off a steak before he ate it, and didn’t do the natural thing, and flip his plate into the air screaming, “WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SERVING ME WORMS?!?!?!?

An Excerpt From Jill Stein’s New Memoir

(An Excerpt from Dr. Jill Stein’s upcoming memoir “Apart Together In Solitude”)

“In a way, I’ve been preparing to be President for a long time. A longer time than some, but a shorter time than others. When 539 total votes showed that the people of Lexington wanted me to represent them with 5 other people as a Town Meeting Representative, I knew I had my finger on the pulse of America. Many people think my time in my only elected office was not sufficient experience to control the world’s largest economy and military, but I beg to differ. Some of my trials and problems I had to work through really showed me what it takes to be a leader. In fact, some of my experiences helped me get a role as a political consultant for Gilmore Girls. Remember that time Taylor Dose wouldn’t let Jackson have a greenhouse so close to his fence line because of the Stars Hollow building regulations? That’s the type of realer than real shit I had to deal with every day.

After my tenure as Town Meeting Representative was over, I decided to ride the wave and run for Governor of Massachusetts. After months of knocking on doors and handing out friendship bracelets at the local Natural Foods Co-Op, I showed the people of my state that I was ready to lead. I received 1.4% of the vote, so I actually got less support than the margin of error, but it was a sign that I had to change my approach and find a way to actully get people to vote for me in ways that probably weren’t accidental.

2 years later, I had my first taste of running for President. It was a hard fought campaign, but I received 0.36% of the popular vote, which FoxNews called “a % only slightly higher than the BAC% for a DUI). After a homeopathic aura reading given to me by Yogi Sequoia, he said that I clearly had a mandate from the spirits of yesterday, so I knew I couldn’t stop.

I won’t stop trying until someday America realizes that I’m the right choice to run this country.

Oligarchy, neoliberalism, TPP, homeopathy, patchouli, and we need to have a hemp based economy. Geode crystal drum circle and GMO’s are bad”

The Luckiest Man In The World

A few years before my dad died from Alzheimer’s Disease, he was living with us, and we were on the porch watching the sun set and talking about the past. He said his life was pretty good. I tried to discuss some of the bad things that had happened and he honestly couldn’t remember them.

I thought he was the luckiest man in the world

Brew Bike Mania

Based on the success of the Sacramento Brew Bike, I’m starting several new bike based attractions to enjoy Midtown

SACRAMENTO BLOW BIKE: You and your friends will each get a pile of high grade cocaine, with a souveiner mirror and razor blade.
(WARNING: The last half of this ride may reach speeds of up to 80MPH)

MIDTOWN OPIUM RICKSHAW: An actual Chinese person will carry you around town while you smoke some of the best opium ever made. Why settle for the dark solitude of an opium den when you can turn to mush in a fun racially insensitive human powered wagon?

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Suicide Squad Is A Garbage Fire (Spoilers)

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So Suicide Squad is a piece of garbage. It’s a horrible movie with a decent cast that’s given horrible things to do and say. There’s lots of potential for a Dirty Dozen style movie featuring super villains, but it just doesn’t click here. It’s an uninspired and often misogynistic mess.

Viola Davis plays Amanda Waller, a tough cold blooded agent of some sort who puts together a team of bad people to take care of bad things. But it turns out the bad things are a result of her own creation. She’s enslaved a witch that thousands of years old and things get out of hand so she gets psychopaths to take care of it, instead of The Flash or Batman, because, well…I don’t fucking know.

Will Smith is good as Deadshot, a dude who is the world’s greatest marksman, and if the whole movie was about him and his story, it’d actually be pretty good. Other characters like Croc (a human Crocodile), and El Diablo (an East LA Gangbanger with full body tats and the ability to control fire) are really good, but that’s about where the fun stops.

One of the biggest problems of the movie is the distracting storyline with The Joker and Harley Quinn (played by Jared Leto and Margot Robbie, respectively). Joker has about 5 minutes of actual screen time in this film, so all of the hype about Leto’s performance is a huge letdown. He has about 8 lines and looks kind of cool, but there’s really nothing to get excited about. But Harley? Ugh…

Robbie looks and sounds great as Harley, but the whole dynamic of Harley and Joker is just depressing and sick to be played out with real actors. She’s a psychologist who becomes infatuated with The Joker, helps him escape, and he rewards her by torturing her with shock treatment. For some unexplained reason, she becomes a superhuman fighting machine and despite the abuse, she loves The Joker. When he’s not around, she prances around in underwear and a wet T-Shirt and the other characters stare at her ass.

It’s sad that one of the bigger laughs comes from Batman punching her in the face during a flashback scene. Add that to Deadshot calling Waller a bitch and a ho, and it’s just gross as fuck.

The climax of this film is nearly identical to the Ghostbusters orignal film and remake. The witch I mentioned earlier, The Enchantress, stands below a magic swirling column of energy that stretches up to the sky that will destroy the world in some sort of magic way.

Suicide Squad is just a really really really dumb movie and I hate that I feel dumb that I was so excited to see it.

Jason Bourne Has Two Good Car Chases

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I’m not a huge fan of the Bourne movies, so maybe I’m not the best guy to be reviewing this, but Jason Bourne was a disappointing space holder of a movie. There’s a great cycle vs. car chase at the beginning of the film, and a tremendously good chase between a Dodge Charger and a SWAT van in downtown Las Vegas that even ends up in a casino, but the rest is just OK.

 

Jason Bourne simply isn’t a very interesting character. He’s given a laptop with some shit about his dad on it that I can never truly get behind. Then he’s pretty much told by people where to go, and he beats people up. That’s the whole movie. I just felt like I wasted time even watching it. You might, too. Whatever, who cares?

How Online Gambling compares To A Real Casino

Many state governments are struggling to find new sources of revenue to boost their dwindling budgets, which is a main reason that many support the legislation of online casinos in the hope that such a move would boost state tax revenues and struggling economies. When New Jersey passed and implemented their bill to allow online gaming and Governor Chris Christie predicted that online casino gambling would bring in $160million of revenue within its first year, actual results fell 45% below Christie’s expectations.

When players pick a casino, either land-based or online, they want to weigh up the advantages of each, there are a lot of benefits that come playing online and real casinos. Many players like to play in both environments equally while many other players may like one more than the other. You may consider the pocket fruity review at Best Deal Casinos if you’re looking to make an informed decision on where you’d like to be a member of.

When you play at a real casino you can enjoy playing in a real setting surrounded by the sounds, tastes and smells of the genuine article. You will be enveloped by the sounds of the games and the consumers who are enjoying playing them and you are able to enjoy the other perks like the buffets, the free cocktails and hotel accommodations. Many people prefer land based casinos because they enjoy being surrounded by the atmosphere that comes with package and taking it all in. On the other hand, many players may find the whole experience to be rather taxing and a little bit too much.

When considering the advantages of online casinos vs. real casinos it is worth bearing in mind the convenience that comes with playing at the online casinos. If you’re somebody who doesn’t overly like travelling or you’re not really into the environment then you’re more than likely to prefer the online option. Online casinos offer the luxury of being accessible all day every day for as long as you have access to the internet, they provide unrestricted access to the games you want to play which may be at times outside of normal operational hours. As long as you choose a good online casino then you can always expect to have a really great time and you can win just as much money by playing the same games that you would at a land based casino.

Both land based and online casinos offer plenty of benefits and rewards to their members for playing with them. Land based casinos offer perks and rewards such as free accommodations, buffets, show tickets and plenty more whilst the online casinos offer rewards in the way of bonuses and promotions that can earn the members free money and credit.

While the games being offered are essentially the same, there are obviously some differences in the way they are played. For example, in a land based casino you will playing against and alongside other real life humans, whilst online you will also be playing against real people but they will be represented by the use of animations. There is no right or wrong option, and whether you choose to play in a land based or online casino, you want to be assured of having a good time, and playing casino games should always be fun and entertaining.

PRE-ORDER Robert Berry and Chris Emery’s New Comedy Album “PUNS and PUGS” Today

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Robert Berry has teamed up with the hilarious Chris Emery and they recorded an a super funny new comedy album, “Puns And Pugs” that’ll be available on June 22, 2016, but if you pre-order today, you’ll get a download link a week early!  Help support the production of this record by ordering today. You won’t regret it. The link to buy via PAYPAL is below.

 




How To Be A Good Comedy Show Host

I love hosting comedy shows. I love being able to set the tone of the show and get people excited for the great night their going to have. I’ve probably hosted over 75 shows so far of all sorts (comedy, music, fundraisers, etc…), and I’ve learned a lot, messed up a lot, and have had some great success. Here’s a collection of tips might help you learn some things, too.

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