RETROCRUSH

Alice in Wonderland is an unappealing boring movie that squanders money, talent, and time like no film I’ve seen before. There’s almost nothing to like about this film, and studios should seriously question giving Tim Burton more than 20 million to make another movie again.

First off, the film is revolting to look at. From the sets to the character design, it’s simply an ugly movie in every regard. The combination of garish makeup and CGI trickery makes some of the world’s great actors look horrific, and not in a cool way. Johnny Depp’s Mad Hatter looks like some sort of albino zombie with a zebra striped penciling that makes his eyes look as if they have some sort of infection. They’re even enlarged as some sort of special effect that makes them look even more horrible. It’s a stupid looking character, with stupid things to say, and no less than 3 different accents used for no discernable reason. It’s as if Depp can’t decide how he really wanted to portray Hatter, so he tried a bunch of different approaches hoping someone will like at least one of them.

Burton and his crew also manage to take Ann Hathaway, one of the world’s great beauties, and make her look like some sort of spastic female impersonator. She looks like Paul Stanley and Johnny Winter had some sort of mutant baby. It’s a hard to watch performance that showcases Ann walking around and waving her arms as if she’s in some sort of ballet.

Helena Bonham Carter takes the cake, however, as the red queen, who is portrayed with a giant head and shouts out all of her lines (50% of which are a shrill “Off with her head!”). There’s just nothing to like about her in this movie.

Some of the CGI creatures are appealing to watch at least. The Cheshire Cat is gorgeously rendered as has a deliciously wicked voice supplied by Stephen Fry. I also enjoyed seeing The March Hare, who was wonderfully twitchy and manic.

I’ll give credit where credit is due to the film’s lead character, Mia Wasikowska, who is a believable Alice who has the right mix of pluck and naiveté to pull this off. When everything crazy and mad is swirling around her, she never disappears into the background. She’s a competent actress that makes the best of the mess she was given to act in.

The story is minimal. Alice is now 20, and doesn’t remember anything of her past adventures in Wonderland. After refusing the hand of marriage to a homely rich Lord, she is lured back into the rabbit hole and meets the Wonderland characters. They want her to slay the Jabberwocky, and she eventually does. There’s really not much more to it than that.

I saw the film in IMAX 3D and frequently saw double images if I didn’t hold my head just right. If you’re expecting even a tenth of the 3D thrills and quality from James Cameron’s Avatar, don’t. Perhaps it’s unfair to compare, but you can’t help but notice how much Cameron did everything better with his film. And the budgets of these films probably aren’t too far apart. There’s scenes were Alice is walking through mushroom infested areas that look like Pandora-lite. When Alice falls down the rabbit hole, it’s a squandered opportunity to show things off in 3D, but everything’s so fast and blurry, it’s a headache to even look at.

I’m surprised that the film actually wasn’t rated PG-13. There is a beheading, Alice walks across a moat full of severed heads, the Dormouse stabs an eye out of a scary monster, a giant bird has his head crushed to a pulp with a boulder, and there’s a remarkable amount of battle-scene violence. Disney must have pulled some strings to keep it PG.

The pacing is horrible, and I found myself rubbing my eyes trying to stay awake. The music is the standard Danny Elfman autopilot soundtrack you’ve already heard a million times before. To be fair, I took my neighbor to see the screening, and she liked it, as did many people leaving the theater. But they are all wrong, and I am right. Don’t listen to them. Don’t waste your money. In a tough economy, our money deserves better films than Tim Burton’s Technicolor projectile vomit masquerading as a good movie.

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