RETROCRUSH

Sizzlean was available for about 10 years through the ’70s and ’80s as a failed attempt to sell healthier “bacon”. But it tasted like salty play-dough mixed with SPAM. You can’t beat bacon for tasty salty tasty goodness. It’s too tasty to be defined. It’s like saying, “I’m going to be cooler than Fonzie!” Here’s a fun commercial from 1978 featuring Carol Potter who played the hot mom in “90210″.

In 1985, they went with a “Move Over Bacon…Make Room For Sizzlean”. Why sizzle fat, when you can SIZZLEAN! Never really caught on too much, since sizzled fat is about the best tasting thing you can have. It’s like settling for a night with Karen Carpenter when Charo’s available. C’mon now!

Sizzlean was made by Swift & Co and later by Con Agra foods, which had it sporadically available as late as 2005, when it was finally discontinued (according to some unverified claim by some guy in a post I read here) who writes this hilarious testimony:

“Suffice it to say I went to great lengths in the 2000′s to get my Sizzlean fix, and when the end was near I got several dozen from a distributor. I actually posted an ad to Craigslist in various cities trolling for leads on where to get Sizzlean. Someone pointed me to this distributor, and I got as many as I thought I could get and still be able to eat them before they became inedible. I still have 6-7 packages in my freezer, one or two lost vacuum seal and “died” but most survived and tasted fine. I will probably eat the last of them over the next few months, as they are already almost 3 years old. The carcinogenic “Nitrite” preservatives seem to do their job well. By now I am probably in possession of the last Sizzlean in existence! (unless there are a few stray packages forgotten in the back of some freezers out there…)”

That’s dedication! I know of a woman who collects extinct Kool-Aid flavors, too. Hilarious!

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