Grease is certainly one of the great movie musicals. The soundtrack is amazingly fun, the acting is good, and despite being a “50s” movie adapated from a musical, it has a timelessness that still makes it fun to watch today. Though it’s a stretch to believe the actors are actually high school students (Travolta was forgiveably 24, but Olivia Newton John was 30, and Stockard Channing 34 when the film was made), there’s a timelessness to the songs and the charm that still make it stand out. Just days ago I saw middle school children perform “You’re The One That I Want” in a lip-sync competition (thankfully they avoided “Greased Lightning”!)

After it was released in 1978 and eventually grossed $341 Million worldwide, was it any surprise that the folks at Paramount wanted to make a sequel? Not at all. But the surprise was that even though none of the original core cast would return with the exception of some school faculty and the delightful “Frenchy” (lovingly played by Didi Conn) they decided to make it anyway. Let’s see… instead of John Travolta as the head of the T-Birds, you get…Adrian Zmed? Yep, TJ Hooker’s Adrian Zmed, who’s other major claim to fame was hosting DANCE FEVER.

And for the “lead blonde” (Stephanie Zimone), let’s get…Michelle Pfieffer.

How Madame Pfieffer, who went on to become  one of the world’s great A-List actors survived this horrible career misstep is a miracle to say the least. As her first major film role, it’s easy to see why she took the part, but had it not been for her simultaneous casting in Scarface, we may have never seen her again.

The “story” involves Maxwell Caulfield’s character “Michael”, who’s an exchange student fromn England who is going to good old Rydell High. Despite being the most handsome and muscular dude in the school, he’s labeled a nerd. In order to win over his obsession (Pfieffer) he decides to refurbish a motorcycle despite being a total bookworm, he figures it out totally on his own.

You know you’re a pussy if Adrian Zmed can kick your ass!

And why does he do this? Cause Pfieffer wants a Cool Rider! If you don’t believe me, just download the song below yourself and hear her sing all about it.

Check out some of the inane dialogue from this monstrosity:

Stephanie: Besides, there’s gotta be more to life than makin’ out.
Paulette: Y’know, I never thought of it that way!

Michael: I was wondering if you were free today?
Stephanie: Yeah. I’m free everyday, it’s in the Constitution.

Stephanie: You know all this deep junk and everything. You must think I am some kinda dummy, right?
Michael: Actually, I think you’re kinda terrific.

Can you imagine someone even taking writing credit for this? His name is Ken Finkleman who went on write another awful sequel Airplane 2 that same year. The film was the debut for director Patricia Birch, and it’s no surprise that it was her last job as director as well.

This film is full of stupid things. Like when the TBirds and Pink Ladies want to go out for a hot night of action, do you think they make out and get nasty like the crazy kids in the first film would? No…they go bowling…and SING ABOUT IT, TOO! ” CLICK HERE to watch it for yourself! It’s a truly horrible tune in every way.

Bowling as a euphemism for sex? Good thing they scrapped that elaborate Lawn Darts song and dance number. And believe it or not, the songs get worse than that. Gems like “Let’s Do it For Our Country”, and “Rock a Hula Luau” are sure to make your ears bleed.

But despite all my attacks, there’s something oddly alluring about this film. It sucks so bad you almost can’t stop watching it. Like some twisted roadkill that you can’t take your eyes off of. Until that damn “Cool Rider” song is stuck in your head to the point that you want to stick a gun in your ear and paint your wall with your own brains.

Surely if there is a GREASE 3, you better make your peace with God once and for all, ’cause Armageddon will have begun.

In the meantime, just pray to God they never make a sequel to THIS