Let’s get one thing straight at the outset:
We’re not talking makeover makeovers here—Sure, Metallica
shedding their Samson-like locks or Kelly Clarkson washing that
goth right into her hair may have caused shock and awe among
mall denizens everywhere, but what really derails many artists
are drastic changes in musical style. Now, in certain cases,
that kind of change-up can resuscitate a dying career…Just ask
raver-maven Cher, or smooth crooner and geriatric stud Rod
Stewart. But more often, these makeovers are the equivalent of
shark-jumping in the music biz: Costly, even career-ending
blunders. Which is, of course, where the fun begins! For
example…
1. THE ROLLING STONES "THEIR SATANIC MAJESTIES REQUEST"
(1967)
“Hey, you got your psychedelia in my Stones album!” “You got
your Stones album in my psychedelia!” Two great things that
go…terribly together! Back in the ‘80s, the “Just Say No” folks
should have made kids listen to this album: “These are your
musical sensibilities on drugs. Any questions?” A couple of
cool songs—“2000 Man” and “2000 Light Years from Home”—aside,
the rest of the album has absolutely no references to the
number 2000, and is drowned in layer upon gloppy layer of
sitar, congas, corny brass arrangements, phased vocals, off-key
jazz piano, and what sound like very, very sub-par British
music hall performers. Maybe vaudeville died for a reason,
lads…
2. LOU REED "METAL MACHINE MUSIC" (1976)
Some of the most extreme examples on this list are by major
artists who, for reasons unfathomable to us mere mortals,
decided to intentionally flush their careers down the toilet.
Kudos to Lou Reed for having the NYC chutzpah to do just that,
not once, but several times over the course of his lengthy
public life—but never with more panache than on this literally
unlistenable hour-plus double album of screechy feedback. Take
that, Jesus and Mary Chain! Extra points for style to Lou for
urging his label, RCA, to release it on Red Seal, their
classical imprint. Take that, Brahms! And in an interview with
Lester Bangs, Reed later expressed regret that the label turned
down his idea for a similar sounding follow-up be titled
Triumph of the Will and containing a free syringe with every
copy. Take that…uh…everybody!
(A note to Reed fans: This album is still better than Sally
Can’t Dance.)
3. ELTON JOHN "VICTIM OF LOVE" (1978)
To say Dame Elton floundered a bit in the late seventies is an
understatement akin to saying he’s a little light in the
loafers. After splitting from long-time lyricist Bernie Taupin
and proclaiming his bisexuality, the normally prolific John
disappeared from sight for almost two years, not releasing any
new material until this lighter-than-air seven-song,
twenty-five minute oddity. John, in fact, wrote almost none of
the tracks on this quickie, leaving that and just about
everything else to disco journeyman Pete Bellotte, best known
for his work with Donna Summer. John simply added his vocals
atop the resulting empty-headed monotony, making him Phil Oakey
before there was a Phil Oakey. I dunno, maybe it was a gay
pride statement, but if so, that was the only pride involved in
this project. Five years later, when John had his big comeback
with “I’m Still Standing”, he meant still standing after THIS.
4. KISS "THE ELDER" (1981)
True, by this point in its career, Kiss’ much-ballyhooed “Four
Pack” of solo albums had “shipped gold and returned platinum”
as the industry saying goes, but lengthy recording sessions
with legendary producer Bob Ezrin—known for helping create
lavish concept albums such as The Wall—were supposed to change
all that. However, even new wave curmudgeons who longed to see
the group stumble couldn’t have predicted the ignominious
depths to which they’d sink. First, the band apparently didn’t
learn its lesson about concept albums after the whole “Phantom
of the Park” debacle; second, this particular concept album was
full of enough sword-and-sorcery and quasi-mysticism to fill an
addendum to the Dungeon Master’s Guide. (This was the early
‘80s, after all.) The band members themselves were so
embarassed by this album that on all subsequent releases, they
appeared wearing those horrible “Gene Simmons” and “Paul
Stanley” masks…Wait! Those are their real FACES! Ahhh!!!
5. THE VILLAGE PEOPLE "RENAISSANCE" (1981)
Okay, people—pop quiz! Let’s test your math skills before the
next item on our list. Now, what’s the longest distance between
two points? …Um, could it be the immeasurable distance between
the goofy, cartoonish personas of the Village People as you and
I knew and loved them, and the icy, Euro-glam demeanor of “New
Romantic” bands like Ultravox and Visage? Some gaps are just
too vast to be bridged, but unfortunately, that’s just what the
Village People’s handlers tried to do on this one. The sight of
“The Construction Worker”, “The Traffic Cop”, and all the other
beefcakes done up in angular new wave ‘dos and what looks like
Kabuki makeup is enough to fry one’s synapses, or at least dry
up one’s musical following, which is just what it did to these
People, quicker than you can say “oxymorons.”
6. NEIL YOUNG "EVERYBODY'S ROCKIN'" (1983)
They may have been rockin’, but back in ’83, everybody sure as
hell wasn’t buyin’ this album. Before the days of Crispin
Glover interviews, the single strangest thing I ever saw on
television was the video for “Wonderin’”, the single off this
bizarre release, which since I saw it, MTV must have played at
least once. The album, a flailing stab at rockabilly, of all
things, is credited to “Neil Young and the Shocking Pinks”, and
the video does indeed feature an unshaven Young in a rumpled
pink suit and slicked-back hair, looking like a cross between
Tennessee Ernie Ford and Henry Lee Lucas. Everybody’s Rockin’
was so universally loathed upon its release that Young’s record
company sued him, claiming he was making intentionally
uncommercial albums to get out of his contract. Turns out they
were right: Young later told an interviewer, “It was a way of
further destroying everthing I’d set up.” And until the
grungers rediscovered him, ol’ Neil just about succeeded.
7. JOE JACKSON "WILL POWER" (1987)
Remember that part in Spinal Tap where the band’s on the verge
of breakup, the lead guitarist has left, and diminuitive
bassist Derek Smalls decides to come to the rescue with his
ten-minute bass solo/“jazz odyssey”? Yeah, well truth is
stranger than fiction. After scoring significant hits in the
early-to-mid ‘80s with vaguely retro-sounding pop gems like
“Steppin’ Out” and “You Can’t Get What You Want (‘Til You Know
What You Want)”, Joe Jackson thought it would be a grand idea
to record an all-instrumental album of jazz jams and
lounge-like piano pieces. Seems the public disagreed, and
within a couple of years, during which he displayed more
interest in classical and soundtrack composition than rock or
pop, Jackson became a real-life “Shoeless Joe” after his label
dropped him. See, “The Man” isn’t always bad.
8. HAMMER "THE FUNKY HEADHUNTER"/ VANILLA ICE "MIND BLOWIN'"
(1994)
14 years later, and you can still hear residual laughter from
these twin releases, loosed on the world within a month of each
other back in Spring ’94…the same year Republicans took control
of both houses of Congress. Coincidence? Read the book. Where
to begin with these two? Hammer’s beanie? His version of thug
life, which included sexually harassing females with “Pumps and
a Bump”? Or Career Blowin’s “mind-expanding” raps (Actual
Quote: “You know I smoke good stuff, so go and get the
bong/Gong-diddlee bong, once again you know it's on, huh!”),
which threatened to close the Doors of Perception forever? Or
should we just focus on Ice’s dreads? Nary a peep from these
two rubes since then, but rumor has it they’re collaborating on
a hip-hop remake of The Defiant Ones—or was it The Thing with
Two Heads?
9. METALLICA "LOAD" (1996)
I know what you’re thinking…“Wait a minute! Load was a number
one album!” And you’re right—It was probably the peak of the
band’s commercial popularity. It was also the exact moment when
they started sucking big time. Think about it—the smoothed-out
“nü metal” sound. The haircuts. Headlining Lollapalooza. The
new logo, for chrissakes. From here it was only a short trip to
testifying before the Senate and snitching on over 300,000 of
their fans. The logical next step? Cringe-inducing pity parties
with a Cosby sweater-clad therapist, apparently, a move
departing bassist Jason Newsted memorably described as “really
fucking lame and weak.” And it all began with this album,
folks. Forget poor Buddy Holly—This is the day the music died.
10. KELLY CLARKSON "MY DECEMBER" (2007)
After selling 12 million copies of her pop-punk-inflected
Breakaway, Idol Clarkson committed a fatal error common to many
others on this list, namely, making a self-conscious bid for
“credibility”. The self-penned goth-lite of My December so
horrified label boss and Dr. Phibes lookalike Clive Davis that
he delayed the album’s release nearly half a year, attempting
to bring in high-profile song doctors and generally suppress
the pop tart’s budding creativity. Davis eventually relented,
and one would like to report that the resulting album was a
unique, cutting-edge statement á la the Beach Boys’ Smile or
Eddie and the Cruisers’ second album, but it actually sounds
exactly like what it is, namely warmed-over Evanescence. (Not
surprising, since Clarkson once dated and collaborated with
their keyboardist.) Yielding only one moderate hit and selling
a fraction of its predecessor, this December was pretty bleak,
leading Clarkson to cancel its accompanying tour and fire her
manager. Brrr!!!
Of course, these are only a smattering of some of the more
high-profile music-biz misfires over the years. While some of
the artists on this list never recovered from their would-be
makeovers, others managed to come back stronger than ever—and
in the case of Lou Reed, totally unrepentant about his career
nadir! But all of these artists have one thing in common:
They’ve managed to brighten our lives just a little bit…not
through their music, which is obviously pretty hit-and-miss,
but by providing us with plenty of publicly humiliating
episodes we can look back on and laugh at in the years to come.
Makeover and out!
