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THE 100 WORST COVER SONGS PART ONE (#66-100)
We've already done our 100 Greatest
Cover Songs list, so you knew it was only a matter of time before we
paid respects to the flip side of the coin. Some of these covers were
sincere attempts to make good songs, others are so inexplicably awful
that you don't know what the hell they were thinking. Others are
clearly meant to be jokes, but it doesn't make them sound any better,
even so. We had polled retroCRUSH readers for nearly 2 months and got
lots of great responses, and we give deep thanks to all of those who
threw ideas our way.
#99 "AMERICAN PIE" by THE BRADY BUNCH KIDS
I don't buy that the Don McClean original version of
this tune is some untouchable classic. Frankly, it's a long, boring,
and pretentious song that generally makes we want to shove a
soldering iron into my ears whenever it comes on. But there's
something just so damn wrong about The Brady Bunch trying to do this
song. The song is much better if when Jan and Marcia singing the line
"Helter Skelter" you imagine them cutting The Partridge Family to
bits and writing "I Think I Love You" on the walls with their blood.
Screw you Ruben Kincaid, you knew this was coming!
CLICK HERE for a listen.
In the early
episodes of there was clearly no idea or direction that any of these
kids could dance or sing. At one point was it decided to start using
them in that capacity? They even toured,
didn't they? Yes, I went to some
of the events where the opened big malls, they were almost crushed
when thousands of kids would turn out. I was amazed at the number of
people that turned out. They did several albums.
CLICK HERE
to read our entire interview with Mr. Schwartz.
#98 "FUNKYTOWN" by PSEUDO ECHO
The crazy planets lined up perfectly for this song,
which not only features some of the most embarrassingly bad vocals
ever captured on a record, but it's produced by freak god Frank Zappa
as well. Done as a laugh, Ward took a break as Robin from the '60s
Batman TV series to cut this tune. Burt wrote about the experience in
his 1995 memoir, "Boy Wonder, My Life In Tights",
which you can read here. You can also
CLICK HERE to listen to a sample of this monstrosity. Burt wasn't
the only Batman actor to record a song, however, as Frank Gorshin put
out some equally unlistenable songs himself, like
THIS (thanks to Check The Cool Wax Blog).
#96 "KASHIMIR" by PUFF DADDY
Admittedly it's not a full remake of Kashmir, but Puff Daddy goes
beyond his typical uninspired mumblings on top of classic song beats and
actually convinced Jimmy Page to play all new guitar on this mess. Fitting that
it was on the soundtrack for the American Godzilla remake, cause just like that
movie, this just takes something that was really really cool and ends up being
hollow and silly.
#95 "ROCKIN IN THE FREE WORLD" by Eddie Vedder and Bono
The pretentiousness of this cover is so thick, you could probably
actually slice through it if you had something sharp. Even the "live" video is
crap, with an artsy black and white cut when Bono takes the stage to let you
know he's extra deep. retroCRUSH reader John Goulin points out when he nominated
this, "Eddie is off key and Bono just starts making up lyrics and adding in
random nonsense half way through the song."
#94 "It Ain't Me Babe" by Sebastian Cabot
I first heard this on the classic Golden Throats album years ago,
and I still remember it fondly. Sebastian Cabot, best known as the original Mr.
French on TV's Family Affair, does a pure dirty old man version of Dylan's "It
Ain't Me Babe" that's unbelievably insane.
CLICK HERE to
listen to a sample for yourself.
This was a part of a George Martin produced tribute album that
admittedly features some interesting pieces like Sean Connery reciting the
lyrics to "In My Life", but Jim Carrey's delivery of "I Am The Walrus" sounds
like he's deliberately trying to sound as fucked up and awful as possible.
You have to at least give Hung credit for making the most out of
the least. His infamous American Idol audition struck a nerve and resulted in a
fully produced version of the same song, 3 albums, and an appearance in a Jack
in the Box commercial. That's more than Taylor Hicks can hope for.
Released as a B side for the 1996 single, "Jealousy", it's the
first time this song has evoked actual sympathy for the Devil, or anyone else
that has to listen to it, for that matter. The opening line, "Please allow me to
introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste" is extra funny when sung by a
gawky vegan hippie chick.
Even Johnny Cash's weak version of this song is still miles
better than Marilyn's take which seems to have been recorded only for irony's
sake. Overproduced beyond the point of listenability. Jesus himself may have
been able to turn water into wine, but he couldn't make this song good even with
miraculous powers.
#89 "Have You Seen Her?" by MC Hammer
Hammer's own songs suck so much, it's amazing he thought he could
actually record a good version of someone else's.
This aural abortion sounds like your grandma had one too many,
crashed her car into a karaoke bar, and the cops let her sing before they hauled
her back to the home to increase her dementia meds.
#87 "If I Had A Hammer" by Leonard Nimoy
How bad do you have to sing to actually make Shatner the second
worst Star Trek actor to record an album? If I had a hammer and had the choice
to listen to this song 100 times, or smash my face in, I'd be hard pressed to
decide. Nimoy certainly isn't ashamed to pursue strange artistic endeavors, as
evidenced by some of this alternative
erotic photography
(not
safe for work). Here's an entire website
dedicated to the music of Nimoy, as well.
The song is from a 1988 film of the same name that also starred
a very young Liam Neeson and Julia Roberts. The film was renamed "Girls of
Summer" when it was released on TV, in case anyone remembered how shitty it was
the first time around. The DVD was also repackaged to feature Julia Roberts more
prominently as well. Also of note in the film and soundtrack was Britta Phillips
who was the singing voice of the cartoon character Jem.
Not a very sexy cover of an incredibly sexy song. Even if she
changed the lyrics to "These Jugs Were Made For Suckin'" it'd still be hard to
listen to. Thank God for mute buttons.
#84 "All By Myself" by Celine Dion
It's too bad Celine didn't sing this song all by herself in the
forest, where she wouldn't make any noise. Or would she?
Why the hell did these assholes even cover this song, anyway?
It's like they're just running through the thing half-heartedly because they
don't want to show any enthusiasm, lest they look too dorky to their hipster
fans. At least the video has some footage from The Graduate, but otherwise
there's absolutely nothing good or inspired about this version.
The Goo Goo Dolls also go the route of The Lemonheads with this
by the numbers "too cool to care" version of the Supertramp classic.
She's OK to look at, but Tia Carrere is like some 1st round
American Idol cast-off with this mess from the Wayne's World soundtrack. The
original was crappy enough to bother doing an even worse version.
You'd think if Traci Lords was going to record a song and make a
video, that she'd at least dress up as something sexier than...a man while she's
singing it. I feel like I want to curl up in a fetal position and cry after
watching this.
Ever wondered what The Supremes' classic would sound like if it
was sung by a bunch of boring trippy white guys? Wonder no more!
This is one of those famous covers that most people figure was
the original version of the tune. Whitney Houston over sings the hell out of
this sweet Dolly Parton tune, and the tacky dame forgot to thank her when she
won a Grammy for it.
#76 "Proud Mary" by Nashville Country Singers
A retroCRUSH reader tipped me off to this, and I was blown away.
This is certainly one of those "so bad it's good" type covers, but it's ill
conceived and horrifying to listen to, any way you slice it.
Frank's Vinyl
Museum has a sample of the tune to listen to, as well as their painful take
on "Aquarius" that actually makes Steve Carell's version from the end of The
40 Year Old Virgin sound good. Frank from the site points out, "Incredibly,
they don't even sing the phrase "Proud Mary" once throughout the entire song.
Among other flubs, these guys "seen a lotta plays in Memphis" and "Humped a
lotta grain in New Orleans". I don't know what they were taking in Nashville
back in 1969 but I sure want some for my next party."
Poor Winger never got to live down being on the t-shirt of the
wimpy Stuart on the Beavis and Butthead cartoon. Famous for their ode to
statutory rape, "Seventeen", Winger's first album also featured a cover of Jimi
Hendrix's guitar classic "Purple Haze", which ended up featuring some of the
worst guitar ever recorded.
CLICK HERE and hear for
yourself. Winger covering Hendrix is like Amy Grant covering Slayer.
Yet another "gem" from the Godzilla remake soundtrack, Jakob
Dylan and his band of hipsters just walk through this thing too cool to have any
actual fun with it. It's not like David Bowie's original was some untouchable
classic, as it was pretty dull in the first place. The bit of "Heroes" sung by
Nicole Kidman and Ewan
Macgregor during a medley in Moulin Rouge was a lot more fun.
This song is funny for about 30 seconds until you realize that
Fred Durst is actually going to use his crappy vomit singing style for the whole
damn song. Andrew Ridgely could have done a better job.
Love the girls, but hate hate hate this version of the song. Just
a soul free by the numbers walk through it cover. The Smashing Pumpkins did a
much better version that you can listen to
HERE.
#71 "Papa Don't Preach" by Kelly Osbourne
The thought of someone actually fathering a child with Kelly Osborne far
outweighs the horror of her begging her dad Ozzy to let her keep her baby in
this ill-conceived Madonna cover.
The execution of the song isn't really so bad, and it's rather
listenable, but their lyric switch of "I saw a Dead Head sticker on a Cadillac"
to a "Black Flag Sticker" is just stupid fucking pandering to look cool. It's
hard not to laugh when lead singer Kristopher Roe says, "don't look back you can
never look back" when he was only 9 years old when Black Flag broke up. The
poser was even too young to have an Atari when he was a kid. GRRRRRR! MY NERD
RAGE KNOWS NO BOUNDS!!!
#69 "We Will Rock You" by 5ive
For starters, I hate 5ive for using a "5" instead of an "F" in
the first letter of their band's name. It's pretty 5ucking 5oolish. This cover
of the Queen classic may have band members from Queen in it, but once the boy
band tough guy "vocals" kick in, you just start praying for a zombie Freddie
Mercury to take the stage and eat all of their brains (which admittedly wouldn't
be much to snack on).
Can't have Nimoy on the list without a bit of
Shatner! I personally love the hell out of this version, but I love it because
it's just so bad. Shat is able to make you think it's all a put on, with just a
small bit of doubt that he really really thinks this is awesome.
#67 "Come On Eileen" by Save Ferris
This cover is worst than sweat on Olivia Newton John. I'm just
not a fan of "Quirky Ska Flavored Cover Played Too Fast Let You Think We
Actually Like This Song" approach.
Sarah can turn any song into aural narcolepsy. Thankfully this
video clip is only 12 seconds long, so you won't fall asleep at your computer.
THANKS FOR THE MENTION IN THE NEW YORK POST! |
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I
interviewed The Brady Bunch creator/producer Sherwood Schwartz a few
years back and I thought these couple questions about their musical
abilities were pretty good.
#97 "Orange Colored Sky" by Burt Ward
All commentary and review is (c)1999-2007 retroCRUSH.com.