THE GREATEST BREASTS IN HISTORY
Though much has been made of how Janet Jackson's breast has changed the way we
live, many forget that breasts have been shaping world events since the dawn of
time. From the moment they first appeared on the earth, man has been
hypnotized, transfixed, and stupefied by breasts. There's hundreds of
for these marvelous creations (CLICK
HERE for a ton), and an equal amount of different shapes, sizes, colors, and
textures. So join us in our multi-part tribute to the great breasts of
history! Starting with the first...
How could we ignore the woman with
the first breasts ever? Man, did Adam score having a grown woman created
from scratch with fully developed breasts that didn't even have a day's worth of
gravity on them yet! As you can see from this rare photo taken at the dawn
of time, Adam could barely keep his hands off 'em! Though I still can't figure out
why she has a belly button.
Not only is she the Goddess of
Love, but she's got a great set of jugs as well! Her beauty has transfixed
painters, sculptors, and Banarama for ages. Hundreds of years before porno mags,
young Renaissance era boys had to sneak this painting under their mattress for
sexual release. And her statue Venus di Milo, started the disturbing trend of
If the painting above is any
indication of how Marie Antoinette really looked, she was a flat out SKAG. But
many people believe that her breasts are responsible for inspiring the shape of
the champagne glass. Now, I've seen a lot of different shaped breasts in my day
(some even with permission), and I simply can't fathom the long cone shaped
monstrosities that looked like a champagne glass. Many people don't realize
that her vagina was the model for most modern day ash-trays, but that's a story
for another feature.
In the late 1800s, Caroline Otero
made her fortune in France by dazzling men with her singing and dancing skills.
Her seductive beauty was enhanced with performances featuring her breasts
covered with actual jewels. After having affairs with the kings of Spain,
England, and Serbia, as well as other notables from Russia, she drove men to
fight duels over her affections.
It's said that her breasts were so
famous that they inspired the design of the towers you see below of the Carlton
Hotel in Cannes (pictured above). You can see more pictures of this lovely
historical temptress (who lived to be a feisty 97) by visiting
Though most of her films can't bee seen any
longer, as the work she created between 1915-1926 has been lost forever, Theda
Bara was the first female sex symbol of the movies. With her dark and "gothic
before gothic existed" vamp characters, Theda amazed audiences with getups like
this with tremendous success. Even her stage name, which was a backward anagram
for "Arab Death" was mysterious. And like Caroline Otero, Bara used the
technique of gluing jewels to her breasts, as pictured above. Her legacy in
using breasts to sell movie tickets endears to this day.
The Illustrated Book of Sexual
Records has a great piece on Harlow that I'd like to reprint here, that says it
"The eroticism of Theda Bara
was generalised, with no particular item or mode of behaviour coming in for
particular emphasis. In any event her breasts were not vast, so there was little
scope for concentration on them! Not so with Jean Harlow. This latter actress
usually gets the credit for focusing the erotic interest, for the first time on
the screen, on a woman's breasts. At the end of the nineteen twenties it was the
flat-chested flappers who symbolised screen sex. Harlow's breasts were only
large (34-inch bust) compared to the boyish females who had appeared on the
screen before her- but she heaved up her breasts and used them to advantage.
Harlow was said to be a compulsive exhibitionist, a "sexual provocatrice who
knew the effect her body made on men." Her nipples were supposed to expand as
the room temperature went up; and before a Press conference she would rub them
For pioneering large breasts in
movies, and iced nipples, let's give praise to Jean Harlow!
to visit our full retroCRUSH Jean Harlow Gallery.
Stay tuned for our next installment, coming soon!